#social cues are hard for them
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Short rant. That moment when you realize how drained the people around you make you feel as the mom friend. It's hit me.
Not even just as an introvert. I feel like I'm never listened to by the people I surround myself with. I keep speaking my mind and I'm ignored, but I keep giving and they'll keep taking. I stop giving, and they'll find a way to take ("I think I'll help myself to *something I didn't ask permission for but I'm taking it anyway*" or "it's your fault for working these shifts so we can't hang out even though I know your schedule" or "oh you need a shoulder? Well I'm in more pain than you are and I'll tell you why instead of let you continue").
I feel like I'm taking care of children more than I am hanging out with friends. Like dang. I'm the mom friend. It doesn't mean you should treat me like your mother. I've been really hurt by these people and it's started to affect my self esteem and mental health. There are these little interactions that have built up over the years and snowballed into bigger issues because they do what they want without thinking of others. I've gotten a few apologies for incidents but it's only when I bring it up. Obviously I can't control anybody. But not willing to meet in the middle is a common theme within our circle.
A few instances have occured most recently that have made me seriously introspect.
#introvert#introvert things#my friends are also undiagnosed autistics so it's hard to be mad at them#but they can be really rude and use autism as an excuse instead of apologizing when i say i'm upset#social cues are hard for them#me too#but it's frustrating#one time I made them cookies at our place and one friend was being super rude that I kept getting up to check on them#like telling me to shut up in our conversations and name cqlling#we are adults#i have a job and a roommate#even she takes my food/candles without asking sometimes even though she makes four times as much as me and can afford her own#there have been several instances of the really autistic friend telling me to shut up over snd over until I do#then she turns to her favorite friend so they can joke around like a complete 180#i think i'm just really angry and frustrated and this has been building for a few years now
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i gotta talk about my low empathy james fitzjames headcanon actually. i prommy i don't use it to excuse any of the acts of violence he committed against his fellow man (not just the colonialism either, but things like the petty rivalry with crozier that borders on bullying prior to the death of franklin) because as a low empathy person i know that's not how it works. but i do think that viewing his actions through a lens of understanding that both circumstances such as his birth and being a part of the british empire as well several choices he's made in life (particularly his sycophantic attitude towards those in positions of greater authority whose favour can work in his and his participation in active combat) have led him to become broadly alienated from other people and both their and his own emotions makes them more interesting.
#🐉#because like. he fucks up in social interactions in a way that screams low empathy to me.#particularly in conversations with franklin where he sucks up to him too hard and fails to recognise franklins growing displeasure#until hes shoved his foot in his mouth. and the way he defaults to clumsily rehearsed social cues ('hear hear') and statements#which betray an incredible lack of sensitivity to the tone of the conversation being had.#theres a strong sense of a man trying to fumble his way through a darkened room to his social interactions#the moment that the framework he relies on to successfully navigate them is stripped from him#fitzjames
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Lately, when I talk about someone I strongly disagree with, I think about my friends.
When I interact with someone who regularly rants about people, and tends to take things in the worst ways (without any attempts at self-reflection or grace), I feel more on-edge. I'm nervous to voice opinions. I'm always over-thinking everything I send them, worried about how they'll receive it.
On the other hand, I feel much safer during conversations where someone is speaking neutrally about those they feel at conflict with. When they feel upset about a situation, but without talking aggressively about the other person. Because I know that if we're ever in a disagreement, or have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, they won't hurt me or suddenly hate me*.
I used to speak much more aggressively about people. My personality disorders, combined with online toxic environments, were big factors in that. I was stressed and angry constantly, and I felt justified, and I felt afraid and ashamed to respond with anything but anger. But to make a long story short, I had several big painful interpersonal experiences where I realized how my attitude was impacting my friends.
I remember the nervousness in my friends' eyes. I remember the people I've met who are much older and never grew out of that reactive communication style, and I don't want to be that person. I want my loved ones to feel safe around me.
So nowadays, I do my best to speak compassionately (or at least neutrally). Because I want to signal to my friends that I'm not going to be cruel to them, or to automatically believe the worst of them, during a conflict or misunderstanding. I try to vent about situations and my fears instead of people.
I wish I'd realized this before.
*(I discuss splitting in the tags)
#actuallynpd#actuallybpd#actuallyautistic#relationship advice#communication skills#I added the autism tag because we missed the social cues that would have alerted us of this early on#and that sure is a big thing we talk about in therapy.#Accidentally hurting people is so painful. We learned this back in 2020 and have been#practicing it ever since. We've wanted to share this with others because honestly a post like this would have prevented a lot of pain and#conflict.#And as promised; about the splitting-#This isn't a post meant to shame anyone for struggling with intense anger or distrust or splitting or any other symptom#My partner and I both have PDs. I've learned to self-regulate intense anger before venting. I've learned how to use more neutral words even#when I don't feel them. And when he splits on me he tells me he's having a BPD moment and that he needs some time alone#That's okay and healthy <3 Mental illness is tough. PTSD is tough. I often jump to the worst conclusions because I'm scared of being hurt.#I've just learned to handle it differently.#I wanted to clarify that because I don't want anyone to think they're inherently bad for having trauma reactions. My goal was to make the#type of post I needed back then when I lacked that social awareness. I had to work through a lot of guilt and shame and that was really#really hard. But it was so worth it. I'm so so glad she told me.
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people acting as if laios can Do No Wrong and infantilizing him because he is autistic are annoying as hell. especially because laios belongs to my favorite genre of character: "person who desperately wants friends and deep relationships because they're lonely, and while part of their problems stem from people not wanting to understand them and refusing to meet them where they are, they also genuinely come across in a way where you Completely Understand why others can get turned off from them"
#.txt#dungeon meshi#laios#like. okay. i think its a very autistic experience to Want People In Your Life So Badly but because you act differently and have a hard time#with social cues you dont get that easy friendship and it sucks and youre lonely as hell#<- source: im autistic#but ALSO. i think some people forget that missing social cues genuinely makes you rude. even if you dont mean it#intent goes a long way but sometimes the autistic experience is realizing that Unfortunately You May Have Been A Dick#or that being intense or overbearing or disregarding boundries you dont know are there Drives People Away#like idk i think wanting people to look deeper and see whats worthwhile about you while also realizing youve unintentionally#driven people away#and that you can be misunderstood AND need to improve how you treat people#is an interesting story (growing as a person while also understanding that you were worthwhile the whole time even if others didnt see it)#on TOP of being a. idk more true to life autism expereince at least for me#and characters who have these kinds of arcs are really fascinating to me and i think theres a lot of nuance to them#and idk it sucks when people try to act as if lack of malicious intent suddenly means everyone who doesnt love you unconditionally is wrong#to be clear sometimes its not the Neurodivergentisms that drive ppl away sometimes its smth else#but idk i find more nuanced approaches to characters like this feel much more engaging to me and its lame when it seems like ppl go out#of their way to remove nuance from characters :/
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art time-lapse of this piece that i posted in IG b4 to try out doing reels. i really like how this turned out overall plus "yasashii suisei" (link for eng tl) really fit the vibes so im queueing this here too
#khr#khre#khr oc#oniyanagi#hibari kyoya#ninomiya kanako#oc#hibakana#einart#tags yapping abt hibakana ahead 🫡#the quote that inspired this one still lives rent-free in my brain#“my alone feels so good i'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude”#both of them are the type of people who likes to move on their own and dislikes being restricted#and they thrive that way without needing to look out for things like social cues/other's perceptions/the will of a “majority”#there's this certain type of independence that i rlly admire for each of these two characters#if they don't feel comfortable with a person#or if the person's company does not spark any joy#as much as their peace and quiet does#then why would they even hang out and spend/invest time with them amirite? theyre not abt that fake life#nowadays its very common for me to hear abt boomers asking ppl when they're gonna get an s/o or marriage#or just others forcing ppl to conform with the social norms and what's considered as “normal”#so these two rlly bring me a lot of comfort#on their own; if i were to depict them on separate stories#khre aside and just considering khr; idt id ship hibari with anyone; he would be my a-spec king icon idol and legend who does wtv he wants🫶#kana too mdbxndbddjbd her previous version b4 this had another oc/canon ship but i don't rlly fck with that anymore (still funny tho)#(i realized that that previous ship rlly held her back character-wise---)#(but their (potential/established) platonic relationships with other characters are so *chef kiss* tho--working hard on brainstorming that)#on the other hand i started shipping hibakana for the comedy of their dynamic lmao (it should be around b4 sou & i reached kokuyo arc)#“wouldn't it be funny if---”#its just a joke there's supposed to be an “/hj” somewhere there i didn't know they would suit e/o's characters & personality this much wtf
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kaede and kiibo are both the kind of people to forget they've been holding someone's hand for a long time, it happens between them and other people (maki voice kaede you can let go now) but especially with each other. i feel like they would start off being embarrassed about it but realizing they both do it makes them go oh hm maybe it's not as annoying as i felt like it is. it's cute when my partner does it...
shuichi thinks it's really sweet too, he likes when one of them will take his hand and not let go, it's nice..... since he's shuichi and he's still trying to get better at saying what he wants, he had to clarify that he likes it, a few times, but that's okay peace and love
#ot3posting#kaede and kiibo making each other feel more secure through their similarities my beloved#their autism to autism communication... kaede is aware of social things and tries to be conscious but she's often blunt and 'too much'#esp with touch#and kiibo is more like '(learns that he's been violating a social cue) oh good lord.......'#hes not like.. super outwardly apologetic of not doing things the Correct way but i feel like it must build up#and make him feel less sure of himself -> more defensive about everything#anyway. me when i relate to both of them so hard#i love the vibes in their FTEs even though they barely got to know each other there's this chill energy#like they See each other and are more willing to be open/kiibo isnt very defensive at all
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you know what's funny is how i break Me into my ocs.
like i got a guy with backpain, one with depression, one with ocd, one with adhd. half of them are autistic and the other half are adhd
and i didn't like do that on purpose because i created them all before i even know what most of that was :'))
#like. huh.#skylar can't handle being in crowded and loud places. he also doesn't get social cues. sometimes has a hard time with jokes.#(skylar is the autism angel btw :))#mackenzie has days where he wants to die. just straight up. ( mackenzie is the depression/adhd demon and skylar's bf)#rayne needs things to be in a certain way. he can't function if things are Wrong in any way. he also has a problem with certain fabrics#so he doesn't wear them. and he doesn't leave his apartment except to hunt or go to work occasionally. (rayne is the austism/ocd vampire)#elliot is fat and disabled. he's also got my adhd and autism! (elliot is. boringly rayne's human bf#i have many more ocs but those ones are my like top 4 fave guys. sort of. also i'm too lazy to type up stuff about the others rn#but yeah. sigh.#younger me just: hehe i'm normal and here are my ocs who are also normal : )#diaerie
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i'm never not gonna get emo over scott dixon saying that his favorite part of the indy 500 is bringing new people there and watching THEM react in wonder to the awesome scale of it, and that his favorite part of being a dad is sharing all the beautiful things in the world with his kids...
#scott dixon#indycar#when your emotions are so big you find them easier to handle when you see other people experiencing them too. yup yeah.#and/or if you have a hard time validating your own emotions and knowing if your reaction is appropriate so social cues are a comfort. me to#there's a third quote that goes with it but i'm not sure if i'm remembering properly and yeah i'm gonna stop right there
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im gonna be real i think i might be on the aro/ace spectrum
#i mean ive kinda known this for a while#ive just never really cared because idgaf about labels anymore#but like. im pretty sure a friend of mine is interested in me. and idk how to feel or handle it#kinda having a crisis here!#not about my feelings (or lack of them) but about. this whole thing. like their potential feelings#i dont like it. get me out of here. emotions are hard !!!#i am typically very oblivious and i dont get social cues super easily#so im kinda really hopinh im just reading too much into this.#anyways. good morning#shark speaks
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Years of reading and writing disapproving parent fic have come back to haunt me, as I'M now the one committing faux pas in front of my partner's uptight parents 🫠✌️
#my boyfriend's parents like me but they don't like swearing or dark humor or sarcasm and MAN is it very difficult for me#his mom is more ok with stuff than his dad is but oof.#I fucked up this evening making a joke in front of his dad my autistic ass assumed was okay because my boyfriend never#told me it wouldn't be and wow it was actually really bad!#and it led to a very embarrassing discussion with my boyfriend later and it just makes me feel like an idiot sometimes because#my autistic brain doesn't pick up on these things and it makes me feel stupid and look terrible and I hate it here sometimes#I'm constantlyyyy trying to walk on eggshells around them being careful of everything I say and holding my tongue and I STILL fuck up#em rambles#vent post#let this be a reminder next time I think I don't struggle with social cues lmao#I sure fucking do#not only am I just autistic and don't know things socially a lot of the time unless you tell me#so I would have no way of knowing that my boyfriend's sense of humor I'm used to is NOT okay in front of his parents without being told that#but my parents are like super chill and have my exact same sense of humor same with my siblings we all make the same kinds of jokes with#each other. so that's normal for me that's what I know#I don't blame my boyfriend for this situation I'm just frustrated that it happened and it's something I had to learn the hard way#when apparently that's something I should've known inherently
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Cue the pink!
#my gram taught me that there are 3 kinds of people in your life: leaves branches and roots#leaves fly away every season despite the energy the tree gives to them#branch people are hardy and they stick around for a while but one bad storm or one bad cut they fall off#root people nourish and help keep the tree alive and even if the tree gets cut in half they stay until the bitter end#there's nothing wrong with any of these categories we're all someones leaf someone's branch or someone's root#the problem though lies in the fact we don't let nature run its course#when the leaves want to leave let them go#when the branches can't wither the storm let them go#when the roots raise you up let them raise you up and shield them in return#i had a friend i haven't spoken to in years ask me why i got rid of most of my socials and isolated from people irl and online#there's a lot of reasons but it dawned on me that it was because i got so damn tired of chasing leaf people#and fortifying branch people only for them to break off when i (the tree) needed help#and i had to take a long hard look and prune everything#now its a matter of narrowing down my roots and being present with them#i think too thats why im not giving as much of a fuck either in fandom spaces or other spots irl or online cause im tired of the chase#ive been tired of leaves and branches taking me for granted#mostly vent post but i guess im sharing this cause i hope my grams words help ya out in some way today#also one of my familys oldest horses died today and her and gram were close#poor gal just turned 31 i was a baby when she was a baby#got me thinking about my late gram and the recent convo i had with my peep#anyway cue the pink!#magenta is my vent word
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I'm starting to wonder if I actually am autistic and it's just that I've just been masking it my whole life
#maybe???#idk i know it affects ppl differently#i just take shit so literally i have an ass of a time recognizing when someone is being sarcastic#i feel like im always trying to practice how to properly support ppl and have hard / emotional conversations with them#i try to logic my way through emotion and it causes me to come off as insensitive#i have safe foods and interests that im super neurodivergent about#if my pattern is disrupted my mood gets sour#what even are social cues#and then i cant even answer simple questions without yapping forever
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Carl Gallagher is autistic. It all makes sense to me
#carl gallagher#is#autistic#autistic carl gallagher#HES AWWTISTIC I SWEAR#HE CANT EXPRESS HIS EMOTIONS WELL#HYPERFIXATION ON MILITARY AND SHIT#He’s so much naive as he is just not good at picking up social cues#when he was talking to lip and Ian about the Gonorrhoea thing#it was clear Ian and lip were hinting at her cheating on his with they face and yk awkwardness#but Carl didn’t pick up on it#he tends to look pretty stoic and emotionless even know we know by what he’s saying and by how he’s acting that he cares#when he saw the murder he didn’t cry he yk talks very literally of his emotions. he just states what happened to him and people understand#his emotions even tho they don’t present#when Monica cut her wrist#Debbie was sobbing so hard#carl also came to see Fiona bc he was clearly traumatized but even tho he didn’t cry or didn’t display emotions#but we know he has them yk so it’s not so much sociopathy.#he obviously has a conduct disorder bc of trauma and abuse#yk like he talked about Monica and frank beating him#having cd with autism is pretty common too. violent behaviours bc of it is very common. on common thing is violence against animals#history of weapon use.#and having been sexually assaulted. that’s pretty common signs#idk maybe im tripping but I feel he is#shameless#fiona gallagher#tbh I’m not sure but yeah. some people have said he has bpd or adhd but tbh having autism and cd can definitely mimic those#IDK IT JUST MAKES SENSE#he has trouble at school. sometimes schools don’t offer correct learning strategies and stuff so he has difficulty#Carl has been shown to have very low grades and to be pretty much illeterate
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You're so real for talking about the actual world building of mgv brooo, so many ppl are just like "what if we made more genders specifically so we could make the gay relationship basically straight ppl porn 🤤" AND LIKE NO BRO THERES SO MUCH COOL POTENTIAL WITH A WORLD WHERE ALL THESE NEW SEXES WERE NORMAL
(Sorry im being a little insane but im so hyped someone else gets it the way i do)
holds your face in my hands in a clawlike grip. never apologize for being insane. be so fucking insane, dude.
GAY STRAIGHT PORN YEAH IT DRIVES ME CRAZY SOMETIMES if the spice of the fic just comes from sexual tension and how if they self lubricate then you don't have to worry about figuring out where they can get lube to fuck on the fly or WHATEVER
THINGS WOULDN'T BE ONE TO ONE WITH OUR REALITY NOT JUST BECAUSE OF NEW SEXES BUT NEW SEXES THAT INTERFERE AT TIMES WITH NORMAL WORK WEEKS N SHIT!!!!! like irl some people can't even get a break at work for having babies and these mfs are going into debilitating estrus cycles semi-regularly?? THERE ARE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
#asks#anon#i've been posting more about pre-rut/heat cycles more than the full blown things themselves#because the hormones raging hell on moods and temperaments and judgement etc#that shit is INTERESTING!!!! and they can live their truest selves because growling/purring/animal like shit is not abnormal behavior#which i would take advantage of in a HEARTBEAT first of all#like i imagine it would be rude to make those vocalization sometimes (one of those silent rules you're supposed to innately know)#(even if no one explains it and you don't think it's rude)#(got being neurodivergent in mgv must suck so fucking hard what if you can't read social cues)#SEE like i have Some Thoughts and very few of them are about how fat whose knot is or whatever#very few. but not none. i'm only human#mgv
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boschlow is so undeniably an autistic ship
#not only are they themselves autistic#but also a large portion of boschlow shippers are also#including me bro#boschlowtxt#boschlow talks#boscha struggling to make friends and not understanding social cues#and only having perfected ONE spell and uses it for EVERYTHING?#meanwhile willow gets ostracized for being a ''weaker'' witch not only by her peers but by her teachers as well#because she doesn't ''try hard enough''#fuck that abomination teacher btw#NOT TO MENTION WILLOWS WHOLE ''out of sight out of mind'' mentality can be a form of masking#and how boscha acknowledges that they both don't wanna be seen as weak? because otherwise everything falls apart?#i hate them both so much /affectionate
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eugh
#rly feeling the negatives of autism rn#social shit is so hard... i hate all the stupid games and how im expected to know all of them#i need to always know how and when to react and what all the dumb cues mean#conversations with some people are like pulling teeth and its awful especially when its people i genuinely like being around#and assume feel the same#but i cant help but doubt when im given nothing to work with#i have so much trouble in person...
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